Cloud Nine

Warning: This might be offensive. Aw well, too bad.

Set: John Lennon and George Harrison’s apartment in heaven. The scene takes place in the living room. There are four doors: a door leading outside, a door leading to the kitchen, a door leading to John’s room, and a door leading to George’s room. In the living room there is a couch, a mod chair, a coffee table, and an ambrosia cabinet.

Costumes:

John Lennon: In heaven, John is seen as his 1970’s self. He wears a brown army jacket much like the one he wore in the 70’s, jeans, shaggy hair, and of course, Lennon glasses.

George Harrison: In heaven, George is his 1967 self. He wears a psychedelic shirt, jeans, and a long jacket. His hair is styled in a shaggy, shoulder-length cut. Moustache optional.

(Lights up on John Lennon and George Harrison’s apartment. George is playing a long sitar rift from “Love You To”. He pauses and looks at his watch)

George: (sarcastically) Three, two, one.

(John Lennon bursts in, laughing)

John: (calling out the door) Bye Marilyn! By Sandra Dee! Who knew you we’re so-called “good girls”. I’ll see you later! (walks in room) A’right. George, I had the best date with Marilyn Monroe and Sandra Dee! It was gear, although I don’t remember much.

George: You’re on time. Breakfast’s is on the table.

John: Honestly George, you have to stop doing all of your trans-i-dent-ial-meditation crap. Live a little. This is the afterlife. It is a consequence free environment.

George: Speaking of which, how many times do I have to tell you, I keep the socks in the sock drawer, and the stash in the stash box. What if the coppers discover…..

John: Silly George, you are still the innocent young Beatle. Besides, the coppers are either getting laid at Studio 54, or getting beat up by the criminals that they put on the death penalty. Besides, Marilyn wanted a smoke. She missed most of the sixties. (eats breakfast and spits it out) Aack! Bloody hell George, is that that curry crap?! I told you not to make it! I’m making me-self an ambrosia smoothie. (goes to kitchen)

George: I bet you had an ambrosia on the rocks, an ambrosia and coke, an ambrosia-cosmopolitan, an ambrosia coolada, an ambrosia martini, an ambrosia and cola, an ambrosia and another ambrosia on the rocks.

John: (offstage) What was that?

George: I was….er….meditating. (George picks pot leaves off the floor) Why do all of John’s “dates” have to be drug addicts from the early sixties? Damn Marilyn Monroe! I thought it was worse when he dated Yoko.

John: (entering) George, quit being a neat freak!

George: I am not a neat freak. I just don’t want Lassie and Air Bud to get loose in the apartment and chew the leaves. I needed to buy a new meditation pillow!

John: Which Air Bud and which Lassie? They’re all party dogs. They rock! (goes to bedroom)

George: Is everybody partying in heaven? Isn’t it supposed to be a blissful land of milk and honey? (sighs) I was aiming to reincarnated, not this. John’s not even the same. Watch this……. (pulls out a guitar) John, you wanna jam, like we used to?

John: (enters) No, I need to get ready for my date with Linda.

George: Since when was the last time you played it?

John: 1982. But I was drunk, an’ I wasn’t exactly playing it. (goes back into room)

George: He’s not the same John Lennon. He hasn’t done anything controversial like he did while we were alive, like saying we were bigger than Jesus, or posing nude….oh wait….he has done that. He doesn’t even get angry anymore. Watch. Hey, John!

John: (enters) What?

George: Yoko’s a fat, ugly, old hag, who broke us up, and deserves to burn in hell.

John: (laughs) I know, she is. Why the hell did I marry her and pose nude with her and….. (exits)

(George sighs. John Belushi enters, fat and wearing a bed-sheet toga)

John Belushi: TOGA! TOGA! (pauses and looks at imaginary camera) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT! (applause comes from no where) Hey, George, where’s John?

(John enters)

John: JOHNNY!

John Belushi: Can I have a keg of ambrosia? I’m having a frat party downstairs, and something really, really disgusting and bad happened to the last one.

John: I’ll look in the cabinet. (goes up to cabinet and pulls out a giant keg of ambrosia)

(Chris Farley enters by tripping through the door. He is fat and wearing a suit and glasses like his motivational speaker character)

Chris: I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!!

George: (sarcastically) So that’s what you’ve been doing these days, with your lifestyle?

Chris: (out of character) No, my character does. Now quiet. I have to finish the sketch. (jumps on table and breaks it. George faints. Chris looks at imaginary camera) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!(applause comes from nowhere. Chris pauses, ignoring George) Hey, John L and B. Belushi (bumps stomach), you really need to get back down to the party. You need to check your toilet. I think…….

Belushi: No, it was me.

John: By, George, George is unconscious.

Chris: Maybe it’s his trans-i-dent-ial meditation.

Belushi: Or maybe he’s high. That happened to me during SNL---a lot.

Chris: Me too. I’m glad we’re rooming together.

(They bump stomachs)

Belushi: I know how to wake him up. (grabs a handful of the curry)

John: No, it’s George’s vegetarian, Indian, food. It tastes like crap.

Belushi: So, I’ll eat anything. (bends down to George) Hey, George, guess what I am (shoves food in mouth, shoves cheeks together in spits it out)

(George looks up in shock and rolls over before any food hits his face)

Belushi: A ZIT!!!

(John, Belushi, and Chris laugh)

Chris: Wait, I think he’s still in shock. (Jumps on him)

Belushi: (laughs) He’s funny, ‘cuz he’s the shy Beatle.

John: I know!

George: Are you actually going to still believe the stereotypes that the British and American presses gave us in 1963?!

Chris: God, I thought you were the shy Beatle.

(George rolls eyes)

John: I need to freshen up for my date with Linda. You can stay up here.

Belushi and Chris: Sure.

(John exits. Belushi and Chris sit on either side of George on the couch, squishing him)

Belushi: Hey, George, remember when you were the musical guest on Saturday Night Live back in ‘76…..?

George: Yes.

Belushi: And you were vegetarian so you wouldn’t eat anything, so you ordered a special expensive dinner from some fancy vegetarian restaurant in New York…..?

George: Yes.

Belushi: And me and Dan Akroyd had just smoked some pot, and I had the munchies, so I ate it……?

George: Yes.

Belushi: And you didn’t have anything to eat all day, but there was a week old ham sandwich in Gilda Radner’s cabinet and we gave it to you, so you ate it……?

George: Yes.

Belushi: And then you got upset because you found out it was meat……?

George: Yes.

Belushi: And then after you said “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!” you beat me up…….?

George: Yes

Belushi: WASN’T THAT AWESOME?!

George: (annoyed/sarcastic) Yes, yes, it was.

Chris: (takes off glasses and starts to nervously hyperventilate like he did when interviewing Paul McCartney) George?

George: (annoyed sigh) Yes.

Chris: Remember back in ’69 when you and your wife Pattie were arrested for possession of pot?

George: Yes, I’m trying to forget that.

Chris: (slapping himself on the head) STUPID! STUPID! (a beat) George, do you remember when Eric Clapton wrote the song, “Layla”, and your wife left you for him?

George: (putting hands on face) Yes.

Chris: (slapping himself on the head) HERE I GO AGAIN! STUPID! WHY AM I SO STUPID?!

(George runs over to his meditation spot and closes his eyes)

George: I am not here…….I am not here…….

(Mr. Rogers pops up in the window next to the meditation area. We can only see him waist-up. He is wearing his trademark sweater)

Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor.

(George opens his eyes in shock. He looks up, relieved)

George: Oh, it’s only you, Mr. Rogers.

Mr. Rogers: What seems to be the problem, George?

George: (sighs) Well, I thought that heaven would be a land of milk and honey, but instead everyone does drugs, have sex, and parties. John isn’t even the same anymore. He’s never sarcastic, or concerned about the politics on earth, or isn’t doing anything outrageous, like saying we’re bigger than Jesus.

Mr. Rogers: George, I felt the same thing too. I thought that heaven would be like the land of make-believe when I first got here, but instead it was like the land of sinfulness and immorality.

George: So, you ignored it?

Mr. Rogers: Hell no, I party all the time.

(George looks down window, and is shocked)

George: Good Lord, man, you’re not wearing any pants!!!!

Mr. Rogers: I know. I could never do that on my show. (takes off sweater, revealing no shirt and a hairy chest) I got to go, neighbor. I’m having a party with Jackie Kennedy and Princess Diana. (exits, singing) It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood, would you be mine, would you be mine? (offstage) Hello, neighbor. Won’t you be my neighbor?

Woman’s Voice: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

George: I’m not some conservative icon like Mr. Rogers, however, kids, I am a follower of the Hindu religion and—THIS IS NOT WHAT THE MAHARISHI SAID THE AFTERLIFE WOULD BE LIKE!!!

(Linda McCartney enters.)

Linda: Hi, ‘all.

Chris: Hi, Linda, remember me.

Linda: Of course I do, Chris, you we’re in my pool last night. (looks away and shudders) Excuse me.

(John enters, wearing an identical brown army jacket)

John: ‘ello, luv.

George: Who do you think you are, Davy Jones?

John: Ready for our date?

George: Don’t you think it’s wrong dating Paul’s ex-wife?

John: Er……no.

Linda: (laughs) Oh, George, you were always a kidder. I’m ready, John, but first, I’m going to pull out this issue of People Magazine. (pulls out issue) And now I’m going to turn it to a certain page. (turns it to a page) Aww….how cute, Paul is helping baby seals. Wait, who is that younger woman with him…….(reads, and then gives a high-shrilled scream and jumps out the window)

John: Bye, Linda. Time for plan B, Mo… (exits) Bye.